Dearest Aunt

Dear Aunt,

I know its been a while. Two years too long but here I am perched in front of a computer attempting desperately to write my feelings to you. I know I never really said what I have meant to say but I never found the strength. Until now. I'm never really good at talking about my thoughts or feeling. All I know is to write and in that all my feelings can bleed on to the page.

By the time I am finished this letter you might already be dead and all my words left unsaid. But all that really needs to be said is that I love you and that I have always loved you despite all the flaws that the born world gives us. All I ever wanted to do was to be able to take you by the hand and I tell you, "Despite this all, I understand. Above all, I understand." But I'll never have the chance to do that.

I can't pretend that I some how can make everything right by waving my hand. Things have never really been that simple have they? But if we have anything, my beloved Aunt, We have today and all today has is us. It took me too long to realize that we will never reach tomorrow because we are too stuck tripping over yesterday.

I wish I could have called to tell you I had cervical Cancer but I figured that I could face it on my own. I thought, "Who would care if I was no longer here." I just wanted to fade away into the sunset but I guess I'm not done yet. I thought it would be less of a person because I couldn't fulfill the role society bestowed on me. After all what was womanhood but to be able to have children? It took a lot for me discover that it isn't about filling the roles that society gives you but to be a spiritual being living a human experience. Why is it so hard for us just to be human. Is there anything wrong with just letting it all go and be human?

There are so many lessons I wish I had learned and so many that things that I wish we could have experienced together. I wonder what a sunrise would look like with you beside me or what the world looked like through your eyes if had I just had the chance to be there, if only for one day.. maybe thing things would be different. I thought if I suffered alone no one would have to watch me rot but now that I see you fading away, I know that there is no other place I would rather be than by your side in your time of need.

But even if I could be there I don't think I could face my cousins. I know what they think of me. Not like I can blame them from the way the rest of my family has acted. I don't want your money, or your house. All I ever wanted to know from you is your story and everything about you. I wanted to know what life was like for you when you were in Hungary. I want to know what my grandmother was like.

They talk about her as if she is a dead legend, lurking somewhere in the shadows. What was it like to have known her, to have learned from her, to have experienced life with her? But like so much of our blood she is dead and gone. I always wished that I had a chance to know more about our family than what I do. I always felt as if I was haunted by some shadows of what might have or never was; caught between fantasy and reality.

I want more than anything to say I'm sorry. I'm sorry for disappearing and I'm sorry for not finding you sooner. When I was growing up I kept all the memories of you very close to my heart. When you gave me a Barbie doll with matching outfit, I wore the thing out. I played with that Barbie everyday and put it in a separate place so it wouldn't get lost. I wore the outfit until I grew of it. My big regret is that I never got to say thank you. I tried to send it through the channels but I don't think it ever got to you. One day, the Barbie and the outfit disappeared and so did any physical connection to you. But in my heart, underneath the smart ass wise cracks and dark make up, I always kept it close to my heart.

I want to say thank you for being the first person in my family to ever tell me you were proud of me. I find it strange that all I had to do to make you proud of me was to get good grades and hold down a house at the same time. It meant more to me than you will ever know. It seems like something so small but it always meant the world to me. I always felt as if I was never good enough and that I would never make it far enough to make something of myself. But you helped me change all that. I used to think that in order to gain praise, you had to build mountains and climb them. Yet it is a simple as surviving to the next day to have something to be proud of.

It always warmed my heart that you appreciated who I am with out glitz or glamor that my sister has. I know I shocked my cousins when I showed up to dinner in jeans, flannel shirt with my favorite AC-DC hat but you just smiled and shrugged. I always thought that if someone couldn't handle me at my worst they don't deserve me at my best. I sometimes wish I hadn't shown up looking like that and maybe earned some sort of respect from them but then again I have always been a terrible liar. I know that once you are gone, they will never want to speak to me, or know me and once again I don't blame them but they too will have a special place in my heart.We might not see eye to eye or be the same class of people but they will have place in my life should they ever need it.

I know my family has brought you many tears and heartache. If I could go back and stop the arguing, blame and fighting I would- in a heartbeat I would. I so deperately wish that I could go back and change it all so that we could all have a chance to be a full family again. Instead of drowning in these wasted years. I have felt like a half a person because our family stood so divided. I always wondered what would have happened if we could all let go of the hurt and exercise some forgiveness. How did we know that fingers thrusting in the air as if they were valiant swords dashing to some unknown victory would only end up in perished feelings?

I hope that I can break the cycle and stop the blame game. I don't see any point in it. What is the point? The only thing I have learned from this is that you reap what you sew and for the last 25 years I have watched. Others sewed as I have reaped nothing but the tears and pain of others.

I promise you that I will help my mother, your sister and my sister let it all go. Please know that despite some of the awful things they say that they will always love you. They say some terrible things because they don't know how to deal with the pain that they have experienced, so they thrust it on others. My beautiful Aunt, please don't every think for one moment that it is your burden to carry because it is their journey in life and you have done all you can. Please do not think for one moment that anything you have done has been for not. It has effected at least one person and one person can effect millions.

I want to tell you most of all not to worry about where you are going. I always imagined that before you went to heaven you had to walk down a long road and contemplate your life. I hope that when you see yours, it will be full of beautiful memories and all the love you never knew you had. But that love will cradle you home with God and all the angels. I know that they will be blessed to have an earthly angel back home. Rest assured that those of us left behind will be so envious of those who will celebrate you in heaven.

I know I tend to hide what I am and I wish I didn't. I wish for that one moment of my life I could be true to myself but it seems that I lack the discipline to even do that. But if there is one thing I will carry through life are those small and short lessons that are precious to me. If you remember one thing of me while you are in heaven, if anything remember that I love you. That I will always love you.

I wish that I could say good-bye but I know in my heart that you will always be with me. So, I will wish you a good journey down the long road home and hope it find you well.

Good journey, dear Aunt.

Good journey.